I was working at understanding my own self, my true colours and how they relate to God. One of the passages that really impacted my life was Psalm 139. It really spoke to my broken heart and identity. One day, I sat down and rewrote it and discovered that it helped me process exactly what it meant for me and the truth that it held. Sometimes it is necessary to take a passage of scripture and re-write it in order to grasp the meaning for yourself. I share it today, to encourage you, but in no way, do I want to replace the original. I share it, so that you can see how the truths became real for my heart. Why not write your own Psalm 139 and see what new insight you receive.
Psalm 139, in my own words.
My Lord, You have searched me and You know me, it is already done, there is nothing hidden about me that You do not already know. You know when I sit and when I rise. How I plan my life – what my routine is. You perceive my thoughts from afar. (At last – someone who can read my mind!) You know those thoughts – You know my needs – You know my desires. You discern my goings about and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways. You know what my day-to-day life is all about, the things I do – the people I meet – the conversations I have – the actions I take – You know everything about my day. There is nothing that happens in my day that I need to tell You about. You know about it already.
Before a word is on my tongue, You already know what I am going to say and what I really want to say. You know my words completely, my special vocabulary. You even know what the motives behind my words are. There is nothing about me that You do not know – I cannot surprise You – yet You will surprise me with what You know about me.
You hem me in – behind and before – like cattle in a run with bars on each side. You protect me from what I can do to myself and what the world can do to me. I am protected for where I am positioned right now, in my cattle run. I am not protected for what is still to come, for where I am supposed to be – my future, since I am not there yet. Protected for where I am now, also safe from the past – never to go back there again and make the same mistakes. You have laid Your hand on me, to protect me and also to comfort me and heal me. Right here where I am in this part of my life, the cattle run.
You lay Your hand on me to enable me to cope with today. Understanding this and knowing exactly how You do this – is just not possible. There is no way I would ever be able to fully understand what You have done or changed in the world because of your love for me.
Where can I go from you Spirit? This total nakedness before You WILL be scary. This intimacy too much to handle. I will want to flee from You – I am going to try and ignore that there is this intimacy between us. I am going to look for my “space”. If I go up to the heavens and find “peace” in self-indulgence – You are there. If I make a home for myself in the depths of evil surroundings – You are there. If I run and try to ignore You – keeping so busy in my own world – even then You will guide me back to You – your right hand (Your strongest Hand) will hold me fast and not let me go.
No matter how dark it gets – and how much I hide from You – You will still see me. You will still make my darkest nights as light to You.
For You created me – the real me inside – the one that nobody knows – not even myself. But you created it – put it together – gave it a purpose. With all of Your nature, Your character, You created me – experiencing fear and wonder as You created me. Putting it all there on purpose. And You did a good job as only You can do. You put Yourself in me – You saw me – You looked at me – You knew me – You even planned the days of my life and my purpose, long before one day of my life had happened.
How precious to me are Your thoughts. Eve to consider, that the thoughts You have concerning me, are precious to You and more in number than I could ever tell. If I imagine counting them, they are more than all the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world and yet more in number. Best of all, when I awake, I am still with You, even when I sleep You are still with me. Even when it looks like I have no need of You for that moment of my life, You are still with me.
My feelings for You overwhelm me. When others speak badly of You or misuse Your name I could kill them and send them away for good. My feelings for You are so strong that I hate those who hate You. Those who plot against You and Your ways disgust me. I consider them my enemies, hate them. How could they move against You, You, who is so much to me.
And yet, as I experience such anger and hate for Your enemies my Lord, I know my sinful heart, how my own actions serve my own desires. So search me Lord, even though You know me already. Search me and know me again. Test me and know my anxious thoughts again. Double-check and make sure there is nothing in me that is offensive to You. Lead me Lord to walk the way You desire, the way which is everlasting, where I lay my treasures in heaven and my steps are a delight to You.